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The REAL London Olympics?

willsterpremium

Asked by willster about 1 year ago for 1 kudos
Best answer by My_Left_Foot
Last active about 1 year ago 13 responses

Apart from moaning, if the forthcoming festival of short shorts and sweating was to reflect the less sporty aspects of modern London life, what would the events be? The 100 metre dash for the bus? Shopping bag lifting? Mugging? One metre snorting? Boozing? Egging Boris?

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13 responses

tourist

Tourist baiting.

Posted about 1 year ago by tourist

Billy_Goat_Gruff

Trolling.

Posted about 1 year ago by Billy_Goat_Gruff

Fi

Pissed Zigzag Walking.

The longest distance you can manage to create between points A and B – while always actually going in a forward direction. Bonus points for number of hits on the side walls.

Posted about 1 year ago by Fi

Jingle

[flashback: ‘First Annual Youth Gang Competition’ in I’m Gonna Git You Sucka – Olympics for street kids, competing to see who can outrun a guard dog whilst carrying a stolen TV, and which gang can strip a car in the quickest time]

Posted about 1 year ago by Jingle

Jingle

Oh, and Olympic Stadium building competition – we’ll have had no end of practice, may be poor on final scoreboards though…

Posted about 1 year ago by Jingle

SFULG

110m Freesheets hurdles: the competitors have to hurdle 10 Freeshits vendors waving their rags in front of them while trying to make a Tube train/bus. They are allowed, as in real hurdles, to knock the vendors over but it’d probably slow them down.

Alternatively, there are other uses for Freesheets vendors:

- cut off their heads and use them as balls in Freesheet Vendor football/hockey;

- get them to catch javelins in their eyes (it’s so annoying trying to pick up a javelin on a slippery grass surface if it hasn’t stuck);

- a new and ingenious starting block for the cycle races (park the bike in their butt cracks so the team coach doesn’t have to come on the stabilise the bike at the start);

- as targets for the archers/clay pigeons for the shooters.

Posted about 1 year ago by SFULG

theoclarke

Backpack dodging. Within the Circle Line, how far can you get without being clobbered?

Posted about 1 year ago by theoclarke

ribbit

Complaining. Londoners may well be world leaders in this.

Posted about 1 year ago by ribbit

flippy

Oxford Street.

Posted about 1 year ago by flippy

My_Left_Foot

Given our success in cycling events AND in anything to do with boats, I think we should include pedalo boating. It could take place on the serpentine.

In fact, why not go the whole hog and include loads of different pedalo boat events: the 100m pedalo, the 200m pedalo, pedalo relay, the 110m pedalo hurdles, a pedalo marathon, synchronised pedalo diving, some flouncy sport involving showing you can make a horse in a pedalo go sideways, Greco-Roman Pedalo Wrestling,... With a bit of ingenuity, I reckon we could top the Medals Board!

Posted about 1 year ago by My_Left_Foot

SuckMonster

Ignoring other people on the Tube whilst pretending to read your freesheet. I expect athletes at Olympic level would have to pretend to read their paper whilst a naked, hairy, sweaty fat-bloke pulls his arse cheeks apart and farts towards them.

Also, squeezing onto an already-full Tube carriage sounds like an Olympic-worthy event. (Better than fucking BMXing, that’s for sure.)

Posted about 1 year ago by SuckMonster

DesperatelySeekingSomething

Chugger Hurdling – similar to Freesheet Hurdling but with Chuggers. You get an extra point for each one you manage to call an annoying cunt, and minus points if you are stopped and forced to talk to them. You’re disqualified if you sign one of their petitions.

Posted about 1 year ago by DesperatelySeekingSomething

yossarian

200m commuter dash. Competitors have to stare at an ever changing departure board to get a space on a train that may or may not be leaving from platform 5 but might leave from platform 12 instead. If at all. Points are lost for not swearing at the spectators or not barging into other competitors.

Posted about 1 year ago by yossarian