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Performance Arse?

Pokster

Posted by Pokster about 1 year ago tipped with 1K
Last active 8 months ago 33 responses

I was invited to the theatre the other night. The play was called ‘Attempts on her life’. It was, without exception, the biggest pile of pretentious arthouse crap that I have ever, ever seen. Think of the most stereotypical performance modern art show (music, dickheads in black, light shows, vidoes, shit but oh-so-meaningful-stilted dialogue), mutiply it to the power of 10, dip it in cow shit, piss on it, stamp on its face and you’ll still only be a tenth of the way in comprehending how utterly, utterly, utterly shite it was.

It was more shit than hanging a shit on a wall in the Tate Modern and labelling it: ‘Pure Shit’. My great grandfather could write something better and he’s dead, lost both his arms in the war and had no head.

Let me give you two short examples:

1. Close up of woman’s ‘concerned’ face, lightning effect lighting, on big TV screen hanging from the ceiling, womans stares into camera, gurning as booming voice off screen says words similar to “Simply. Tortoise. High wire. Suddenly. Petrol. Women. Rape.” etc etc etc. I nearly shat my pants in anger.

2. Five women all dressed in ‘symbolic red dresses’ (oh, fuck off, you dreary unimaginative fucking bastards) moving towards the camera in rythmic movements while some woman sings an operatic aria in the background. Social comment on the exploitation of women? Or simply mindbendingly tedious bollocks nicked from Schlindler’s List?

We nearly walked out after ten minutes but as we were guests had to endure 2 hours of this brainmelting, ball shrivelling tedium. My palms are still bleeding as I had to dig my nails into to hands to stop myself from screaming.

It’s performance art they said. It’s about the interpretation of modern women, they said. It’s open to sooooo many interpretations they said.

No. It’s not. You fucking twats. It’s pure unmitigated shit dreamt up by some autistic cunt who has produced pages of unintelligable copy of immense tedium, labelled it modern social comment, meaning that everyone is too worried about not ‘getting it’ to tell him that he should really shove it up his arse and go back to masturbating turkeys for a living.

The playwrite is clearly a twat of biblical proportions, the actors should go and get a proper fucking job rather than wasting my life and the national theatre should be burnt to the ground for hosting such a pile of steaming arse.

Did I mention that it was shit?

Fucking hell.

Does anyone else feel the same about performance art as I do or am I so unimaginative that I have missed the point of theatre?

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33 responses

AssumingVakant

Cracking post, bravo.

Posted about 1 year ago by AssumingVakant

Mockernee

Only been to the theatre once, under protest, and saw Shopping and Fucking. The critics saw a searing indictment of Thatcher’s legacy and a gritty, disturbing and immensely powerful treatise on what it means to be gay in modern Britain. I saw a luvvie trying to shock an audience by licking a cast member’s arse, while referencing “skag” as many times as he could to keep it real.

At least it wasn’t a musical.

Posted about 1 year ago by Mockernee

savannahpremium

I totally agree. And so you know – you’ve made everyone at FC HQ laugh, I got to legitimately add shit as a tag (a long standing professional goal) and it’s signalled beer o’clock for the rest of the afternoon. I thank you.

Posted about 1 year ago by savannah

archie

Excellent review Pokster, I hope it was therapeutic. If you haven’t seen it, I direct you to Spaced, Series 1, episode 3 which showcases the work of Vulva.

Posted about 1 year ago by archie

plum

Pokster you are one fucking funny squirrel. Post of the week.

Posted about 1 year ago by plum

auawsha

Well done Pokster. I absolutely despise performance art. It’s just an intensely boring excuse for a lot of dull, pretentious, self important drama students to ponce about in public convincing themselves they’re doing something meaningful and important. Every performance artist I’ve ever met (and believe me, despite my barely concealed hatred of them, there have been a few) has been a complete waste of space and an utter utter cunt. They should all be lined up against a the wall of the Elephant House in London Zoo whilst the elephants empty their vast stinky bowels over them. Constantly. For days and days and days. I absolutely despise performance art. It’s just an intensely boring excuse for a lot of dull, pretentious, self important drama students to ponce about in public convincing themselves they’re doing something meaningful and important. Every performance artist I’ve ever met (and believe me, despite my barely concealed hatred of them, there have been a few) has been a complete waste of space and an utter utter cunt. They should all be lined up against a the wall of the Elephant House in London Zoo whilst the elephants empty their vast stinky bowels over them. Constantly. For days and days and days.

Posted about 1 year ago by auawsha

auawsha

Ah. I seem to have said that twice. Oh well, there’s nothing like reinforcing one’s opinion I suppose.

Posted about 1 year ago by auawsha

Pokster

eyelid twitches uncontollably

Posted about 1 year ago by Pokster

Mockernee

Oh fuck, Auawsha’s started now, on challenging themes about wraparound news culture and the contemporary attention span.

Meanwhile, we’ve got this lot in work to teach us about diversity.

http://www.theatreand.com/

Yes, this lot of uniformly white, middle-class, obviously failing actors who openly advertise for “visually black people” and people who have “the “look” of a credible “manager” are going to lecture one of the most ethnically diverse public sector departments in London on diversity using the medium of theatre. Take up has been low, management are surprised.

Posted about 1 year ago by Mockernee

LittleEmily

auawsha sounds like a good plan but then they might all turn around and give it some deep profound meaning and call it art.

Posted about 1 year ago by LittleEmily

jamespo

I agree and also applaud your unsubtle method of posting your rant as a question with your final sentence.

Posted about 1 year ago by jamespo

BraveNewMaldenpremium online

Mockernee, better a bunch of luvvies patronising you rigid than some god-awful team-building exercise in the Peak District.

cool – wet – grass! cool – wet – grass!

Posted about 1 year ago by BraveNewMalden

ELWisty

The only thing more pretentious, self-serving and ultimately pointless that performance art theatre is the reviewing of performance art theatre. To wit:

http://arts.guardian.co.uk/theatre/drama/reviews/story/0,,2034369,00.html

“In denying the idea of fixed identity or linear narrative, it speaks to the modern age”

Fucking hell.

Posted about 1 year ago by ELWisty

Mockernee

True, I once spent an afternoon blindfolded in a rainswept field outside Swindon building lego models under vocal instruction.

Posted about 1 year ago by Mockernee

Provdes

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit, Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit!

Anger…. Fear…. Pain…..

Yup – total bollocks. What a load of Fucktrumpets.

Posted about 1 year ago by Provdes

auawsha

LittleEmily – That wouldn’t be a problem, it’s hard to call something anything when your mouth is full of elephant dung.

Posted about 1 year ago by auawsha

Mockernee

I sense we might be part of the daytime proleshift, and the assorted resident writers and creative types will be on later to explore issues surrounding our self-imposed barriers on greater awareness of our complicity in modern society’s reduction of us all to consumerist cyphers.

Good luck to them, by then I’ll be scratching my arse with one hand while the other picks pork scratchings out of a tear in the pub’s soft furnishings.

Posted about 1 year ago by Mockernee

Kaliova

The danger in publishing such strong reactions to such drivel is that it will likely only spur the perpetrators on even more, giving them impetus to battle onj against a blinkered and superficial public that will probably never understand the truly profound and transformational nature of their work.

Posted about 1 year ago by Kaliova

Chez

When I was at university doing English Lit, out of a pithy four hours of lectures a week, I had to spend one of them with the drama students.

So, 25% of my working week was spent in the company of miscreants. They were utterly, utterly fuckwitted.

This is by far the funniest post I have read on the site.

Performance artists should be crucified on Primrose Hill. That will teach them to be so wanky.

Posted about 1 year ago by Chez

esotericbadger

“Wait! – not finished… finished”

Top post.

Have a crack at the Fringe. I try and see something that has a good chance of being shit every year to use as a yardstick for the good stuff.

Posted about 1 year ago by esotericbadger