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Bernard Matthews, mostly clothed

Jingle

Asked by Jingle about 1 year ago for 7 kudos
Best answer by iSleepDiagonal
Last active about 1 year ago 14 responses

Don’t know how many of you use Freecycle. I do. Partly for getting/getting rid of stuff, but partly for comedy value. My favourite so far is:

Subject: OFFERED – Oil Painting of Bernard Matthews NW6 Original oil painting. Good likeness. Mostly clothed.About A3 size. In Frame. We found this in our loft recently – an unwanted gift from my aunt. She was a neighbor of Bernard’s in Norfolk and must have persuaded him to pose for her. Collect evenings only.

A “mostly” clothed Bernard Matthews?!

Was absolutely devastated not to have got this, obviously, but convinced myself it was a b3ta-like prank (like the 3 tonnes of mayo to see what the people that turned up looked like).

So, what’s the best Freecycle/Gumtree/free advert you’ve seen (excluding personal columns) of late?

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14 responses

PrincessBride

Mine was the one I posted on another thread (that I can’t remember so can’t retrieve the link) that was a man looking for a woman he could do the sex with whilst she played on a playstation (or something – some kind of computer thing). It was very specific about what was required of the lucky lady/victim.

Posted about 1 year ago by PrincessBride

Jingle

That was shocking. At one level, I couldn’t believe that wasn’t a hoax, at another, it was so graphic and thought out, it could only have been serious.

I bet it’d been composed by an aged multi-billionaire determined pass their wealth on to a mentalist rather than their own family. Those multi-billionaires, they’re always cocking around on Gumtree.

Posted about 1 year ago by Jingle

iSleepDiagonal

That was shocking

Yeah. I’d have chosen Gran Turismo to be honest

Posted about 1 year ago by iSleepDiagonal

Babbonline

8 bras, worn, size 34B.

Posted about 1 year ago by Babb

Floatykatja

This wasn’t on Freecycle, and it’s not really my story, it’s MM’s, but she was telling me that she’d been looking through somebody’s buying/selling history on Amazon and discovered that they had bought a vibrator. Second-hand.

Posted about 1 year ago by Floatykatja

TerryB

discovered that they had bought a vibrator. Second-hand

Ironically, some girls don’t bother with a vibrator and just use a second hand.

Posted about 1 year ago by TerryB

mediummac

Actually it was eBay. But the ew-factor remains the same.

Posted about 1 year ago by mediummac

iSleepDiagonal

Any feedback?

Posted about 1 year ago by iSleepDiagonal

Jingle

ISD, it’s a sex toy not an amp.

Posted about 1 year ago by Jingle tipped with 1K

iSleepDiagonal

You say that as if they’re mutually exclusive

Posted about 1 year ago by iSleepDiagonal

BraveNewMaldenpremium

I once had to record a radio commercial with Bernard Matthews up in Manchester. I was expecting a racist twat and I wasn’t disappointed. He had trouble reading English as well. During through the recording, the ASA contacted me to say that my scripts had all been rejected (basically because they had Bernard Matthews in them).

So I had to rewrite two 30” scripts and get the fat fucker to read them out in the half-hour of studio time we had remaining.

They are not on my showreel.

Posted about 1 year ago by BraveNewMalden

BraveNewMaldenpremium

Shit, I meant Bernard Manning.

Apologies to Mr Matthews.

awaits letter from Messrs Carter Ruck

Posted about 1 year ago by BraveNewMalden tipped with 1K

comradem

Freecycle: Wax drippings from various candles, multiple colours, pickup only from Heston. That narrowly beat out: Pieces of 20 bricks and five bags of mixed stones and gravel, must take whole lot only.

Posted about 1 year ago by comradem

BoutrosBoutrosBoutros

Single bee.

Posted about 1 year ago by BoutrosBoutrosBoutros