The Kudocities Guide to Love

Posted 10 months ago 1 response

It’s very trendy every year to knock the annual love-fest that is Valentine’s Day. Even here on the deeply loving community that is Kudocities, the 14th has its knockers.

For the cynical, there’s a fine selection of anti-valentine cards, available here from straightforward (‘Bollocks to Valentine’s Day’) to honest (‘You’ll Do’). The irony, of course, is that those who hate Valentine’s Day from a commercial perspective are the ones most likely to be looking for the anti-Valentine cards.

For a mere tenner, Down with Dating! promises a night as romantic as washing your granny’s feet. Of course, some of you may like that sort of thing. There are other nights for your sort.

Down With Dating! offers the chance to Take part in ‘Speed Hating’, have fun with ‘Blind Hate’, drink some beer, dance like you desperately want to get laid but are busy pretending you’re disinterested, and even play the most romantic sport in the world, darts.

If however, you’re lucky enough to be able to touch a member of the opposite sex without coming out in a rash or being slapped, there are a number of slightly more exciting things you could do with the one who’s bank account you’re trying to get into.

Jumping off Tower Bridge together, for instance. Or at least, doing it with a rubbery rope attached to your ankle. Of course, this has the added advantage that, if you aren’t really into your current partner, you could fiddle with the rope a bit, claim there has been a tragic bungee accident and then sell your tale of rope-related twattery to the tabloids. The organisers even offer a bottle of champagne. Best to drink it after the jump, probably.

Alternatively, you could head up to Cambridge and tell your lover you’d like to show them your punt. Perhaps a little far to go for the sake of a terrible pun, but the idea of floating about on the Cam, lit by the gentle glow of a Chinese lantern, holding a long stiff pole in your hand, sounds appealing to us.

But if 24 hours of pressing face-holes together and mooning at the one you love on the 14th still doesn’t satisfy you, you could head to Piccadilly Circus on Saturday afternoon, to stand around in the cold and hug up to 1,000 hippy types. It may sound like a pile of poop, but Reclaim Love’s heart is in the right place and it could be a lot of fun, allegedly.

And single gentlemen may want to wrench themselves away from their tear stained remote controls and take their minds off the lack of love in their life with some ‘cunning stunts’ at Santa Pod raceway on Friday night, in the form of jet cars, monster trucks, live music, fireworks and a fun fair. Now that’s more like it.

All that remains is for Kudocities to wish you, gentle reader, a day filled with the heightened self-esteem that only dead foliage, chopped and sliced bits of tree, heaps of life-shortening confectionery and a damn good seeing to can bring.

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